A question of existence? Sort of, but not really...

Have you ever felt like you're not a real person? Perhaps that's not the best way of putting it. Do you sometimes, or maybe often, feel alone in your struggles? In your thoughts. Maybe not even in your thoughts themselves, but in the way you think them. I hope this makes sense to you, I think it does for me.
It's like a feeling of lonely uniqueness. It's a feeling of isolation and independance that you just want to do away with. It just kind of pops up here and there. You're just sitting there, going through your routine, and you just realize: "I'm me. That's all I am. It's all I have and all I can be. I'm not quite sure how much I really like it, but I'm a little alone in it."
And you're right. I mean, to an extent. I just finished watching 'About a Boy' again. It's true, no man is an island, and we all need people. It's definitely true. And I do have friends and loved ones. There are people who care about me who are there to help me out.
But I'm the only one in my head. I'm the only one in my heart (aside from God). I'm the only one who has to listen to all the crap I think. The only one who has to feel all the crap I feel. Sometimes I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I wish there was someone else in there with me to tell me that it's okay to feel those things.
I envy married people. I know that even when you're married you're still alone in there, but you do have someone you can talk to about anything that comes up there. That's what I'd like. Just someone to "let in" unconditionally. How sweet would that be!?

Just some thoughts...

-Matt

An hour a day....

So today is fall daylight savings time day, where our clocks go back an hour and we all wake up just a little more refreshed than normal. That is, unless you live in Saskatchewan (suckers!).
It's interesting how good I feel about having an extra hour to my day. I went to bed early and woke up late to be reminded that it was actually an hour earlier. I felt so much more productive all of the sudden. It's kinda of like being given extra time on a project, just by default.
So I had a thought; what if we set the clocks back everyday?
I guess it would end up being counter-productive. Maybe just once a week. How great would it be to get an extra hour's sleep every Sunday night? Mondays would definitely be easier for me!
Well, enjoy your extra hour and enjoy your fall & winter!

PS: I'm writing this blog via email on my iPhone!
How cool is that!?

Shalom!

Matt

What the future may hold...

I don't know, but I've been thinking about it. The future that is, if that wasn't made clear by the title of this blog.
I'm in an interesting phase in life right now. I'm working full time at a job I enjoy and kind of, well, "coasting". I was looking into moving out a while ago and couldn't yet afford it. I suspect I'll be looking into it again in the new year. I've also been thinking about and researching going back to school over the past month or so. I've been looking into a degree in Communication Arts, but I'm not yet certain it's what I want to do. While I find it interesting and wouldn't mind a career in some kind of creative marketing/public relations/customer service management type of position, I'm just not really sure that it's the right thing for me. It's really just the most attractive route for schooling and career in the world I can see at the moment. I suspect this will change also. I'd like to know what I'd like to do soon, because if I am going back to school, I'd like to do it next September. I've also been thinking and praying (and made a tentative decision) about something in my future that only two people know about, and I'm afraid that this will have to be a bit of a cliffhanger until later in time when this thing arises.
The biggest dilemmas are these: I don't know what exactly I want to study/pursue, and I'm still in debt from the last thing(s) I tried to pursue. I do believe it's God plan to redeem that debt (can I get an Amen?), but I'm lost as to his timing. I just know that I want to be back in school. It's exciting and fun. You're working toward something for your future and learning about something that you (hopefully) have interest in. A big part of me really just wants to do it to have that experience under my belt (where does that expression even come from I wonder? I'll have to look it up...) and have that degree. I've almost always wanted to have a degree or special knowledge in something. It's one of the reasons (perhaps the biggest) that I respect doctors, especially specialist doctors. I mean, how cool would it be to possess a significantly greater knowledge and skill level in something than say, 99% of the population? Pretty cool, I think.
Anyway, this ramble has gone on long enough.
Go on now, leave your thoughts and questions and random diversions from everyday life in response!

Repentance

Repentance is an interesting thing.

I've been thinking a bit recently on repentance. After doing some repenting to God, I heard him say this, "Matthew, do you think that it's your repentance that removes your sins?"
An interesting thought, no?
It's always been my understanding that, even if you're a Christian, if you sin, you need to repent to have that sin forgiven. As though there's a tally in heaven that gets recorded with each sin I sin, and then wiped after each time I repent.
I don't think this is true though. If is this so, then it wouldn't be by faith in grace that we are saved and freed from sin (because to be saved [meaning going to heaven] you have to be free of sin) but by works in faith in grace that we're saved, and that's rubbish.
I remember one time, going to listen to some worship music with my sin on my mind, (I always find it awkward to try and do anything with God or God-involved with my sin on my mind) I thought to myself, "I can't listen to worship, I have un-repented for sin." And the still small voice says, "No you don't. I've forgiven you of that." I was surprised, because, like I said, I thought you had to repent to be forgiven, and so I pointed this out to God. He replied something to the effect of, "Your repentance is in your heart, and that's enough for me. You've been forgiven."
I thought, "Hmm, well that's interesting. Okay then."
So, to tie these two things together. Here's what I think.

I think that all my sin, past, present, & future, was wiped away at the cross. The Bible says that I've always been seen as blameless before God because I was to choose the reconciliation of the cross (Ephesians 1:4). But it's because my heart was in a state of knowing repentance when I accepted Christ's sacrifice, and because I default to a humbled state of repentance in my heart that God is able to acknowledge me as clean of sin. It's not that I tell my heart to be repentance, it's not an act I choose, it's because I love him. I think that's the key. Your love for him is what will bring you back to a heart of repentance. I do choose to love him, so to speak, but more so, I can't help but love him. It's really interesting, and I'm not even sure I fully understand it all, or anything I've said thus far. But I do understand this: regardless of what I do, he still loves me, and he's still forgiven me.
I've been struggling with really feeling and knowing that recently, a lot, to be honest. I do still know it. Somewhere, I know it, and I'll always know it. You can't know it, truly know it, and then deny it. Nothing is more true, nothing is more secure, nothing is more eternal than the love of God.

For the heck of it

So, I'm writing this blog, for the heck of it.

Then I thought to myself. "Hmmm, 'for the heck of it.'"

I think right now, to be completely honest, I'm living for the heck of it. I'm not quite sure what that means. I think it means I'm just waiting for the next big thing to come along. I don't know if this is a good thing or not. I'm kind of waiting for a direction, a path, a plan, a "something" to develop for me to put myself into. I mean, right now, it's just work, do the best I can at that; do church stuff; try and deal with family stuff; and try and have some fun. There's no specific goal I'm working toward like school, or promotion, or career, or anything like that. I'd like to move out at some point, but that's not something I can do quite yet, so for now, it's just, well, "for the heck of it."
I mean, yes, I live for the glory of God and to try and be the best I can and be the most like him I can. But, you do that no matter what direction your education, or career, or family life, or what have you, takes you. That's basic. What am I working toward to produce a living on this earth?
What am I building?
These are things that I'm pondering, when my heart has time away from dealing with all the crap right now. So, there ya go. I just blogged that, "for the heck of it."
I guess, we'll just have to see what's next.

Not Phased

I'm finding that I'm not phased by much recently. I'm having a bit of a "yeah, whatever" kind of reaction to most things recently. Perhaps it's because there's just too much in my heart to really allow more in to have impact in it. There's too much junk, too much worry, too much fear, too much frustration, too much loneliness, too much... crap.
We found out last week that my grandfather has advanced lung cancer. We don't know how much longer he has. I'm phased by that. Not as much as I will be when he's actually gone, but, please, let's not go there.
It's hard to try and allow your heart to be phased by everything around you. Perhaps I'm a little too walled up at the moment, but I do think that it's not actually that great to allow all the world and its issues and ups and downs have much sway on you. I guess it's all about why it doesn't affect you.
Right now, there's just too much weight, too much junk, too much of, well, too much.
Meh... whatever.