NOTE: I've just re-read this blog, and it's really just a more intense, in-depth, slightly more emotional version of my last blog on community. Pardon this, the only reason of this is, though my views on the topic have not changed, my frustration has increased. Anyway, if you would still like to read this, go ahead, and please comment, but you've heard it before. :-)
I think our society, our culture, our routines, whatever you want to call them, here (in Toronto/the urban Western World) are (becoming more and more) anti-community and relationship. It seems to me that the life of an individual or couple or family seems to have a lot of focus on activity and being busy and "making your way in way", and as this pattern progresses, there is less and less time and focus for relationship and community.
I recently figured out that most of the "community" I experience, and most of my friendships (the vast majority, actually) are dependent on happenstance or common commitments/places of regular attendance. Things like church, work, and small group seem to be the "glue" of commitment in all but a small few of my relationships.
I used to be really good at being the glue. I used to make regular phone calls to probably about a dozen people. I'd call and/or email, text message, and facebook probably somewhere from twice a month to weekly, depending on the person. The return on these communications from people, most of whom those I was/am close, to, was quite low. Sometimes it would be a couple months before hearing back from them.
I stopped trying. I had to make the decision that I can't put in the effort for both sides of the relationship, it's just too hard on the heart.
Now, I'm not trying to accumulate pity points or shine a light in your face or make you feel guilty or anything of the sort. I'm over it, people aren't that great at relationship. We live in a fallen world with hurt and imperfect people, and not everyone sees relationship the same way I do.
Why am I going on and on with this then? Let me get back to my original point.
I believe that true community keeps itself going by the sustaining effort, spontaneity, and commitment from its members. You can live in a community and never take part in any activities; never go over to anyone's house for coffee; never go to any barbeques or pool parties; never go to church together; never help someone move house; never help someone take care of their kids or their chores; never really have any meaningful or relational time with anyone at all for, as far as I can think of, the following reasons:
It could be that you are invited, and these things are all happening, but you're just not able or interested to.
or
If the other people in your community are doing those things with each other out of their own love and commitment to one another, and you're never invited because they're comfortable with what they've got going and don't care for opening up to anyone new, than you have a clique.
or
Maybe you're never invited to any of these things because no one does them, because everyone's just looking after themselves. I think if that's the case, then you really don't have a true community at all. You just have a group of people living in the same building/area. Perhaps you build some relationship with the people in your community during regular activities put on by the landlord of your apartment, and you attend meetings for attendees, and see people in the elevator and say hello and goodbye there because you leave the house at the same time every morning.
You could move to another area of the city, and probably never hear from anyone in that old community again.
I kind of feel like I'm in that last one. I feel like if I worked somewhere else and stopped attending my church, TACF, that I'd never hear from about 90% of all my friends, and probably a good three quarters of my closer friends. (TACF is a great church, by the way. No church is perfect, but this one is awesome.)
I mean, to be honest, I moved to TACF a couple years ago, and after I did, I almost never heard from the people from my old church, and I still pretty much never do. And to continue in honesty, I've stopped missing them. I had to. To continue to give a place in my heart to people who seem to have no interest in continuing to have relationship with me is just too hard, it's not healthy.
It seems if relationship isn't convenient, it's not happening. If it comes at a cost of time and effort and reciprocity and spontaneity and giving of yourself outside of happenstances, it's not worth it, and dare I say, it seems we're okay with that. Sure, people say how much they love community, but I think that people love it in theory; they love the concept of it. Actually making it happen, the attitude seems to be "that's a bit too hard thanks, I'll stick with my happenstance-style community."
I wonder if the people in Acts 2 had chosen this mentality if they would have continued to follow the disciples teachings and bring people into the Kingdom of God daily. I wonder how we can expect to do that if we continue on this way.
Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this entry.
Cheers!
-Matt
