Well... I Work With An Australian...

So, here's the story folks, buckle your seat belts, you're in for a long and wild ride.


It's been a number of months now, I guess, since I decided and applied to study at the Hillsong International Leadership College. I think it was April/May that it all started, but that's not all that important.

So since then, it's been crazy crazy crazy preparing and praying and preparing and praying and crying out and growing and stuff of the sort. There's been lots of, "God! Get in gear man! Let's go!!!" Thank goodness he is patient, graceful, and merciful. Heh heh heh...

I was very determined, as those of you who know me know, I can be like that. This was my golden ticket, my future, my training ground, my launching pad, my destiny point, the place of first contact (must I go on?). I was going to go to Hillsong and get the best worship training in the world from one of the biggest most famous churches and get this diploma that would give me the recognition and skill and experience that I wanted and that my destiny "needed".
Oh, it was up to God what to do with me, and my destiny was his, but it was his within the parameters that I had set. Funny how we do that eh?
"God, I'm not putting you in a box, you can move however you want, as long as you move in this part of my life."
A box is a box, whatever shape you make it, whatever you colour it, however big or small you make it, it's a box.

This was me. This was my logic. But wait, there's more!

Fear is interesting isn't it? It's a blinder, fear is. And the thing about fear is, when it blinds us, we seem to think that we see so clearly and that we're just being smart and "learning from the past". You see, in my ignorance and fear, I seemed to think that without Hillsong, the destiny, the dream, the vision I had for my life just couldn't come about. Without going to Hillsong and getting that paper, that training, that experience, my life would be a wreck. It was my only hope, it was all I wanted. It really was.
Fear is like air in a balloon. The more you fear, the more air you're putting in that balloon. Well, that balloon is your peace and faith and joy and sanity. The more you put into that balloon, the more stretched it becomes. If you don't let it out, it will pop you.

I had gotten to a point of being crazily stretched and just like that balloon, it was very uncomfortable. It looked good on the outside though, just keep telling people how good God is and how he's able to support me regardless and if he calls and I answer, he's obliged. It looks good on the outside, but if you don't let out the air nonetheless, you're still gonna pop.
That was me, secretly ready to pop.

Over American Thanksgiving, here in Toronto, there was a young adult conference at TACF called Heavy Rain. I felt, kind of last minute, that I should go. I wanted to go. My friends were going. I needed to recharge. Yes, I'll go.
So I went
It was AMAAAAAAAAAAAZING! Very good times. Good times with friends, good times with the church, and good times with Father.
So there I am, it's the second day of the conference (a 3 day one), and I'm stretched, and I had to tell someone that I was close to popping. So I grab my cell leader Mark and ask him if I could talk with him cause I "have some stuff on my heart I need to talk about".
We went to a more private place in a nice comfortable room, and I just deflated a little, enough for him to get a sense of how stretched I really was.

Have you ever been talking with someone about something, and, to him, it's about that something, but he says something about something else, and you realize, "Aha! That's what the issue's really about here."?
I told Mark about the fear thing about how if I don't go my life is over, etc.. I brought up the face that my last college experience was rough and ended badly and totally broke me, and I just couldn't have that happen, I couldn't "fail" again, I couldn't have dropped out of two programs.
Aha!
He picks it out easily. Anyways, we go through some forgiveness for people who hurt me during college, I'm weeping and getting tears and snot everywhere. All this is fear is now being broken off of me because I let go of a hurt.
Now, here I am, in this broken, vulnerable, messy place where I'm so deflated from letting out this fear and hurt that I'd been holding onto for so long without even knowing it, and what does Mark do? I'll never forget it. He starts speaking some of the most encouraging things anyone ever has to me. Every weak spot, every insecurity I had had in the past while is totally hit as he says nice thing after nice thing to encourage me, just when I thought I had a chance to stop weeping. Again, this encouragement was just breaking down walls and breaking down that fear that I wouldn't have a life if I couldn't go to Australia.

So, after that was all said and done and I was able to speak like a human, I went on with the rest of the conference, went through some really cool things spiritually in a soaking session the next day and just got so much more of God, my eyes seemed to be opened.
All of the sudden, it would be okay if I stayed. (insert gasp here) I know! I thought to myself, "Here's what I'll do: If God makes it clear to me, in what ever way he sees fit, to go, I'll go, if he does it to stay, I'll stay, but it's up to him."

A couple days after the conference was the TACF volunteer appreciation dinner. Now, TACF North York's lovely Pastor, Linda Cho, had insisted that I come. I was tired and was weary of being embarrassed by the leaders at this type of event, as which is custom, so I wasn't originally going to, but, you please the people you like. As I suspected, I was publicly embarrassed, I was called up to receive one of the awards and was just so thankful and felt so loved. That night (before the award) we had a worship time. In that worship time, I felt God whisper into my heart, "Matt, I'm going to give you the resources and ability to decide whether you stay or go. It will be your decision not mine."
As if I needed to tear up anymore eh?
God is really nice though, he doesn't leave us stranded on major life decisions, luckily, he leans our hearts and makes it easier.
It's interesting how, the entire time I prayed for favour for Australia, I kept finding more favour here. The Lord works in such "mysterious" ways eh?

So, over a period of about a week or two, I eventually decided, "Hey, life is pretty sweet, why don't I stay? Yes, I think I'll stay. Yay! I'm staying!!!"

I first told my family, then my cell and some of my close friends and leaders/pastors, then some more important leaders and pastors and then EVERYONE!

I feel good about it, it comes with things to deal with, but God is good and those things are working out well!

I work with an Aussi, maybe I'll minister and learn from him, I figure that's gotta count for something...?


So... with that being said, this will be the last post on this Australia blog, and I will no longer be adding to it. I won't delete it though.
This post will also be on my normal blog, which I will be starting back up again, and as always, I'm going to try and keep up with my devotional/bible study blog.

Cheers mates!

Drum Roll Please...

So, this is a just a little post to announce the following:

I might not be going to Sydney, as it is.  I still might, it's in the air, and as far you probably know, I'm going.  

Here's some information on the topic...

I recently went through some serious release and deliverance of fear regarding the whole Australia/Hillsong thing.  I had this notion in my head that if I didn't go my life would be over.  A lot of it, I think, was also tied to hurts that I hadn't dealt with properly from my last college experience.  So after a good sob session where I poured my guts out to my good friend Mark, and got poured into, I came away so much lighter and freer.  I let go and died to this dream and determination that it was Hillsong or death (not literal death, just death to my destiny; destiny death), and have settled into a nice little peaceful place of:  going or not, I'm good, and God will bless me and make the way.

I have made up my mind on whether I'm going or staying, and have started trickling the decision out to the appropriate sources in stages, and, alas general public, you are the last.

Stay tuned, the decision will be made openly public in less than two weeks (hopefully)!

Ciao!