You can know something in your head, but not live a life that shows that you believe that is true. You can know it in your head, but have no real depth of understanding in it. You can know it in your head, but have no feeling of certainty in your heart. Does this make sense? Do you get me here? (most of you probably will, as you've probably heard it before.)
Recently, a lot of things that used to be heart knowledge seemed to have been shaken in their place and are now sitting in the "head knowledge" realm. It's been really unsettling. I went through a few weeks where I was progressively struggling more and more with simple beliefs and feelings and truths that gave me much strength and comfort. This started to cause a lot of trouble in my relationship with God. I don't know if these things were being shaken so that they can be resettled with more conviction, more truth, more revelation. I'm not sure. I'm still kind of trying to get them back there. Truth be told, even though things are starting to feel better, I'm still not quite sure of these things that have been losing hold. I'm not quite sure I even remember the process of translating knowledge from head to heart. I've forgotten how that twelve-ish inch journey is made. I think, for things having to do with God, it requires the Holy Spirit. Maybe I need more of Holy Spirit?
It's scary when all of the sudden God's love is just a piece of knowledge and not a place in your heart. It's scary when your identity in him is suddenly a matter of fact and not a matter of confidence. It's really hard when his goodness is an idea and not a comfort. When you feel abandoned and lonely and separated from his presence, his voice, his heart, his love, what do you do? It's even harder when you feel like you don't have people to turn to. And at this point, even the people you do have to turn to seem far away, and your views of God and yourself and your friends are all skewed by the turmoil of your heart.
What's one to do? I guess you just have to truck through. I don't know how to give up on God. I know how it feels to want to, but I don't know how to actually do it. To abandon him completely doesn't seem like something I can wrap my heard around.
I'm still waiting for a lot of this to settle again, it all still seems in transit somewhere. Lost, fragmented, and hurt. But even if in my heart I don't feel it, something in me, even if it's just head knowledge, knows he's good and he loves me. Let's see how God uses that to build my heart.
How about you? Do you know how this feels? Has God been shaking your heart knowledge? Or maybe your head knowledge? Or maybe even everything you know?
1 comment:
Hmmm, interesting post my friend.
I can recall more than a few 'secular' fictional films and pieces of literature that suggest something along the lines of 'following your heart'. You know, to the hero, the heroine, the person who was lost, the person deciding who to marry, the person deciding what direction to take at a fork in the road. I think most humans have some inkling that deep in their 'heart', there lie answers and truth.
I agree that knowing God's love in your heart is something that is said here and there within particular Christian circles, but I don't think that it is something out of the ordinary...it is just that God's love is the truth, or answer, or the subject in question.
I think we can know something in our heart without feeling it a great deal. I mean, I really like FEELING God's love, FEELING Mark's love, FEELING like I am making the right choice, but when I barely feel those things and find myself in a moment of desperation I have to trust that my heart can contain that truth and those answers despite how I feel about the circumstance.
And sometimes it is possible that we mistake our hurt for our heart knowledge as hurt kind of dwells in that same tender place, building defences around our heart so it is left very...untender. Very...unreachable and maybe hard to distinguish.
I dunno. Some thoughts. I am reading your post with a female lens and could be getting it all wrong.
All I know is that you're on a special journey, Matt, like no one else's. I don't think anyone could instruct you in how to see or feel or know God's love more in YOUR own heart...only you can see through your eyes and only you and Him know the secrets of your own heart...oh, and I'm pretty sure He likes you :)
B
Post a Comment